27 Sep Betrayal… Farewell & Goodbye
What comes to mind when you hear the word “Betrayal”? Well, for me, the following comes to mind: lying, manipulating, deceit, sneaky, disloyal, unfaithful, cheater, user, are just a few but many words exist to describe “betrayal”. I bring this up because I experienced betrayal. I have been through so much in the last 4 years with this particular individual. We shared many good times and we had a few rough patches but overall, this person was there for me through my dark times. Now, as time moved forward I started realizing this individual was not the same person I had met while we were incarcerated together. The last four years I have been pushing you towards a positive life. And within the last hours, you have pierced my heart with a sword of betrayal. Though the final hours were heartbreaking, what hurts the most is reflecting back at all those times I caught you lying. All those times you were being disloyal, all those times you needed my help and gladly took advantage of my kindness and money. Who does that? You obviously do. A person who just doesn’t care about hurting others for their own personal gain. It really is sad and pathetic.
You see, I valued our relationship. I valued your trust, I valued you! We were inseparable! We made plans in our moments of looking into the future. But when your freedom occurred, you slowly forgot about that. All those words and promises seemed to have disappeared and you became like all those that have done the same in my life. I thought you were different than everyone else! I thought you wanted to have a great life! Then I reached out because I made a promise not to just give up. You got back on track. You were focused. Yet, betrayal was there all along. The lies continued. The manipulation continued. The deceit continued. The unfaithfulness continued. But, I was too blind to see that. Perhaps my heart and emotions overtook my reasoning for thinking clearly. Yes, that was it. See, I am a real friend. I am loyal. I am transparent, I am honest. Maybe that was too much for to handle.
As the act of betrayal continued, I started building a wall. A wall that I vowed to not be so attached because you were just causing so much pain and hurt for me. I needed to remove the negativity from my life. As I was slowly preparing for just that, you randomly called me. I was taken by surprise. Normally, you never called me in the morning nor did you really text me. I figured something was up and we were just drifting apart. You were ready to give up your addiction. I went along with the conversation but inside I was ready to let go and move on. Then came your arrest on July 2nd. I was on the phone when they took you into custody. Then about 2 hours later, you called me from jail. Sobbing. Apologizing for everything you’ve done wrong. Realizing your life was spiraling out of control. I quickly encouraged you, but I told you I was actually planning to let go of your negativity and move forward with my life without you. You sounded devastated. Though, when I replay that conversation in my head, I see the master of betrayal at hand. Sad really.
I kept in contact with you for the last 3 months. Encouraging you. Pushing you to have a solid plan. I helped you with things you needed. I accepted all those calls from you. I never once missed a call from you. Always made sure to answer and give you that time. Then the day of your release came. You made no attempt to contact me letting me know you were out. No calls. No text. The day you received your phone you send me text and we eventually have a conversation. You were glad to be out back into society once again. You seemed to have a plan and what you want to do to make sure you stay on track. Not even three days and I already noticed your behavior… the lies started occurring. It is kind of hard to see when you’re telling me the truth. When I called the other night and my calls were forwarded to voice mail, you said you were working out and just finished. You didn’t sound out of breath. In the past you called me during and after a bike ride and I could hear you out of breath. Homeboy you have asthma. Then calling at certain times just to see how you were doing and I knew something was up. Questioned you about everything. Still telling me lies, setting the stage for the betrayal. Finally, I hear the truth after I pressed it out of you.
See I feel like you just used me. I feel like you just needed me to be there while you were alone in that jail. You knew I wouldn’t walk away. I feel like the whole time has been one big lie. Every single word that came from your mouth, I feel, was a lie. The very ink of every single letter you wrote to me was a complete lie. I feel like you manipulated me by making me think everything was good between us when in reality I was just being strung along and being used. Well, you made your choice. I expected it but why did it take this long? Why use me and thinking you could get away with it? Not so smart. I too, am not so smart. I should have listened to your brother and just turn my back on you while you were in jail. See, a person with integrity, loyalty, and a pure heart wouldn’t do that. That’s why I didn’t. I chose to stick by your side. Unfortunately, I was being used and played for your benefit. Well, I definitely believe in Karma and she will be coming after you.
I may be hurt and sad, but I will move on from this and grow even stronger. I will be determined to be all the more successful in life. I will turn the hurt and pain into positive energy that will benefit me and only me. As I told you before, no one or anything will stand in my way of success. I don’t want a bad life for you. I do hope you will do well but honestly, the people you surround yourself with are going to drag you down. The one you chose will drag you down. But I have to admit, saying you chose his side because he’s been clean is the most stupid reason. Homeboy was just released from jail so no shit he is clean. I have never done any drugs in my life. I think that is years and years of being clean. Anyways, I will not let this break me or allow my emotions to take control. I will be reminding myself of the following:
“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.”
“I’m guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I’m done, I’m done.”
“Sorry for caring. Sorry for trying. Sorry for it all. But most of all, I’m sorry I let you in.”
“I may have lost someone who didn’t love me, but you lost someone who truly loved you.”
“Sometime you have to walk away from what you want to find what you deserve”
“Isn’t it pathetic how we waste so much time on certain people and in the end they prove that they weren’t even worth a second of it.”
So with all this to say, I am letting go. I will be closing the door to this chapter in life. I will finally be free from the betrayal I endured with you. Though it is bittersweet, I do care about you as a person but, this is something you wanted and I will respect that choice. For me, this is something I will not undo. All I know is that I deserve way better than you. Trae, I wish you the best of luck in life. If you start to miss me… Remember, I didn’t walk away, you let me go. Farewell.
I needed to vent and write this because these moments have been a huge part of my life the last four years At the moment, I feel empty because I lost my best friend. Well, an acquaintance now. This person knew me better than my own family and now its gone. Anyway, I’m done. Thank you for reading.