11 Jun My Identity Pt. 2
If you have read the section of my blog titled “My Identity” it will give you somewhat of a background into my current journey in life. What I am going to share is personal, but it doesn’t define me or who I am. My identity is something that I am still trying to fully comprehend. I struggle between the idea of being born living a certain way or choosing to live a certain way. Both side have strong supportive arguments for their beliefs and so this causes a struggle inside of me. The struggle is so tiring that you feel like you’re a terrible person for feeling the way you feel. When people around you don’t understand the struggle and look at you like your just a lost soul that is destined for hell is tough. Sometimes the struggle can be burdensome that taking your own life will end these thoughts that cause such pain and confusion to be laid to rest. But, that is a selfish way to end a life. If you haven’t caught on to the struggle, it is my sexual identity.
I spent years attending and serving in church. I read the bible, studied the bible, and even went to a “Christian University”. I made friends with many people and had a few close friends. I tried to talk about my struggle with my close friends but hearing them put people down and gossiping about other people made it terrifying for me. I was afraid to let someone know and afraid to be judged. Like I said, I was always around this place, so I saw and heard how people were treated, especially when they “sinned”. when my struggle and mistake came to light, I was given the “Pray, read the bible, and go to another church.”
Let’s back up a little bit. I didn’t have any homosexual thoughts growing up as a child. Growing up, being gay wasn’t accepted at all. I still remember the Matthew Shepperd story like it was yesterday. Kids were bullied for it. Like I said, I didn’t grow up questioning my identity. That didn’t come along till around age 17. The idea and thoughts made an appearance in my life but didn’t pay much attention to them. I think I mentioned this in one of my blogs but there are some things I choose to block from my childhood because it’s so painful to bring up or talk about. I choose not to bring some things up because the past is the past. There is nothing I can do to change what happened, just learn to move forward. So, during my many years of therapy, I have finally realized what always came to me as nightmares, was something that actually occurred in my life. I’ve shared this with a few people, but I think it will help with understanding my struggle. I was raped by a guy when I was five years old. No need to get into details, but I must have learned to somehow not remember this and just suppress everything. Well, suppressing everything eventually came back to haunt me.
“Pray and read the bible”. I did that for years. Nothing happened. My homosexual thoughts progressed. If God wanted to “cure” me from this “sickness” then he would have done that. But that hasn’t happened. I am at a place right now where I definitely believe people are born gay. I believe God loves all people and He is the creator of everything, then he should be understanding of people like me and my identity. Some will tell me my struggle is a result of the traumatic event when I was a kid and my father not really spending time with me. If that’s the case, then why did God place me in that environment and allow my “sin” to hurt others?
How can I pretend to be something I am not? How can I live my life as a lie? I call it my struggle because I am in a place of not knowing and choosing for sure. It’s my identity. It’s my life. It’s my story. I am still discovering who I am. I don’t like to label myself or others. I am not going to label myself. I want to be true to myself and true towards others. I want people to accept me for just being me. Not that I need anyone’s acceptance, but I am just me. In therapy I am told to remove all the negative people that won’t accept me for being me. Actually, about a year ago, I told a close friend about what I was going through, and he just decided to not be a part of my life. Which is fine with me. I don’t; need people like that in my life. His loss, not mine.
My identity is not going to define who I am. My character will define who I am. I simply share this, so you have a better understanding of me. Some of you may be going through something similar. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Be true to yourself. Learn about yourself. If people can’t accept you for who you are, then let them go. I promise you will find people that will love the real you.
I guess that’s all I wanted to share. Thanks for reading about my identity.
I am who I am. NOT who you think I am. NOT who you want me to be. I AM ME. – Brigitte Nicole