08 Mar My Numbing Feeling
My heart is numb. It’s not broke, it’s numb. It’s numb because of hard situations.”
Sometimes I feel like my life is just repetitive. It’s the same thing over and over. I am living, but I am not living. I can feel the emotions, but the numbing feeling exists. Perhaps it’s the nightmare that I am still in bondage to that keeps me from living a normal life. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. But to wait an entire year seems like an eternity. I have first hand experience with time. I’ve seen time slow down and pause. I’ve seen time speed up in my favor. The end of my complicated life is coming to an end.
As the year is dwindling down to that moment of true freedom, each day brings more and more pain, hurt, and discouragement. You would think I would be thrilled and happy. I am, but the issues that I have to constantly deal with is tiring. I want to get away! I want to just disappear and live. What does that mean? I am not sure. Part of my life has always involved traveling and experiencing new adventures. So with disappearing somewhere, it’s not death, it’s wanting to get away from my current life. Am I trying to avoid the pain? Perhaps. There is a purpose of where I am at this very moment, but I don’t see why it needs to prolong any further. Eight years of my life and time being placed on hold is definitely a struggle, but I keep finding ways to endure the numbing feeling to the end.
As I am writing this, I am realizing that my last post was a year ago. The last post was about time. So I guess I have been spending time in areas I truly find important. The anniversary of my release is approaching and I was hoping that I would be free from supervision, free from the “big brother” and just living my life as I please. Not the case. I was suppose to be free. This is one of my discouragements that I have to deal with all the time. I am not looking for pity or someone to feel bad. I am just expressing what I have been feeling: numb.
As much as I want to give up, I know that the end is near and promising. I know that when all this is truly behind me, I can truly live life once again. It’s not within me to give up. I keep fighting and fighting. Sometimes it takes so much energy out of me but when I have seen what I have accomplished in the last few years, its a motivation to keep pushing forward. My life may be repetitive for the moment, but I always need to remind myself to look for the positives in any circumstances. My life may have a “numbing feeling” but I need to remind myself that its just a feeling. I can either choose to allow it to control me or I control the feeling.
“When you’re in survival mode, you numb yourself.” – Clemantine Wamariya“By default, most of us have taken the dare to simply survive. Exist. Get through. For the most part, we live numb to life – we’ve grown weary and apathetic and jaded… and wounded.”
– Ann Voskamp